I realized earlier this year that I am an example of a Steampunk villain... but I am tired of representing the evil of the world, and I am having to actually alter who I am as a person in order to better reflect this view in my artwork.

My art is very personal to me, it comes from deep within me and so this villain personna developed out of the fact that, to the real world, I have been a villain in my life the last few years. But I am not going to tolerate that any more from myself.

My demons are many and they are entrenched in my soul, but when they attack, I bend and twist and turn their attacks back upon them. This is something I have only discovered how to do recently with the use of meditation, and looking into Eastern philosophy more. I always thought what they taught about chakras was purely imaginary, but the more I learn to heal myself, the more I am finding that there really is something very extant about the spiritual body. The more I pay attention to keeping my chakras aligned, the happier it feels to live in my body.

I am dancing in new ways as well. I used to push my will into my body and drive myself to the brink of collapse for the adrenaline rush, but lately I have found that my arms are responding differently. I have found a beautiful space within me that is peaceful, and when I let myself dance from here, I move slowly and gracefully. It almost feels as if I am underwater when this happens, and the waves are simply swaying me gently and calmly.

Also, I have found this is helping my shoulder injury. When I used to dance it aggravated, but now it is healing!

I have been listening to my women's intuition more, I have found in life that when I follow that little voice in the back of my head, that it is seldom wrong. However, over the years I was falling out of practice with actually doing what I knew must be done. I was afraid, or lazy, or simply too stubborn to listen, but no more. I think this has been a key to maturing for me, this willingness to listen more. Listening to myself and listening to the ones in my life whom I trust.

I am also focusing a lot on what I put into my body, I never realized before how much when I would feel hungry that it was actually thirst and I was mistaking the urge. I now drink many glasses of water throughout the day to stay properly hydrated. I am finally getting away from eating so much meat and cheese and fatty foods. I still have my weak moments, because changing life-long habits takes a lot of focus, but I AM making progress.

After having a bunch of horrible experiences this year with drugs, I have decided to distance myself from them greatly. I have discovered that having true inner peace feels like being on a drug all the time, and that the world is so amazing when you can really see it without all the filters of perception that chemicals offer. Don't get me wrong, I may still do something occasionally, but only when I feel I am ready to, not because I am trying to escape my pain as I was earlier this year.

Selfless balance and moderation are the watchwords for me at this time. I know I am still a mess in some ways because of some very bad habits I allowed myself to become part of, but I am completely dedicated to teaching myself new ways. Part of this is focusing on cleanliness more; cleanliness of mind, body, and environment all together. Part of this is taking a hard look at the clutter in my life and having the guts to cut it all away and simplify my possessions down to only what really matters to me. Moving forward from here, I am going to be far more decisive about what I decide to bring home. No more frivolous toys to gather dust, no more dumpstering for things I might someday use in an art project, no more fashion 'of the moment'. I am going to find new clothes that are durable and will last from season to season.

This is not something I have suddenly come upon, this change has been slowly burning within me for a long time now. I have had to face a lot of dark things inside myself to get to this point, and I can't imagine ever turning my back on all this effort now. This is also not something I have found purely on my own. I have so many people that I am grateful to for being patient and loving to me over all these years that I have been selfish and hateful in return.

This is the inward turn towards the singularity that I have been searching for my whole life, and it changes everything I have ever known! Songs from my childhood have new meaning, stories have new layers, my eyes are finally open just wide enough to accept it all. One could call this feeling... nirvana.

I know now that the heart of a monster still lurks somewhere in me, but I am taming it and teaching it to love and be loved back. I am going to show it how beautiful the world really is and how much better it will be soon!